I’ve heard it said that 45% of statistics are made up on the spot.
Okay, I just made that up.
We live in a world, bombarded with numbers, and probabilities, and predictions. Some of them match reality, and some of them don’t. I just looked down on my weather app this morning as the rain was coming down and saw that there was a 68% chance of showers. Does this mean that there is a 32% chance that those drops hitting the roof aren’t raindrops? You’d think that when the drops started falling it could just update to 100%.
But numbers and data are significant and often they show us realities that are occurring around us that we simply aren’t noticing or aware of. And by not noticing them, it is distorting our views of others, of ourselves, and of the world we live in.
This week I came across two different statistics that have left me doing some internal processing. The first from a friend of mine who is a brilliant therapist is that 70% (and this is the low estimate) of people’s emotional responses to you are about their internal state of mind and not about you or even the issue that is being discussed.
Think about that. All the tension, and division, and arguments that are causing so much emotional distress are merely revealing what is going on under the surface of our own and others’ skin. We’d love so much to make it about some toxic idea of some other difficult person when in fact, the real issues are swirling around inside of ourselves. We think the conversation is about covid or politics or religion, when in fact it is about much deeper fears and insecurities and worries within us.
The real issues are accessed only by searching our own hearts. Asking ourselves the question, what is going on in me right now? Where is this coming from? What am I afraid of?
The other statistic I read is that most people, in trying to predict the thought or idea in the head of another, are only right 20% of the time. Highly, highly emotionally intelligent people get it right 50% of the time. This means that in most of our conversations when we think we know what someone else is thinking, we’re flat out wrong, or at least significantly incorrect in our predictions.
And both of these numbers have caused me to do some deeper self-reflection. How often do I assume to know the mind of the one I am arguing with? How often do I see only the issues on the surface and fail to see the whole person? How often do I pause in a time of conflict and look internally at my own heart? If these statistics are right, and both ring true to me, then any time I’m addressing the immediate issue by anticipating the thoughts of the other I am only about 6% accurate. At most, 15%. Someone check my math…
What does this mean? I think the first thing is for us to slow down our conversations to a pace where we’re listening. When emotions start spilling in, we should immediately pause. When our blood pressure starts to rise, we should take several deep breaths. In other words, we pump our emotional brakes. We de-escalate.
And we stop responding and arguing back and instead start asking questions. Clarifying questions, not passive-aggressive jabs. “Say more?” “Can you clarify what you mean by __________?” “What are you feeling right now?”
And start catching yourself when you make assumptions. When you rush ahead of where the other is at. When you’re trying to make your point instead of trying to understand. Because your assumptions are most likely wrong, or at least incorrect. And when you continue to press further and further into your position without considering the heart and emotions of the other, it is doing much greater harm to both them and you. You have lost sight of the person behind the issue, and you’ve lost sight of yourself.
Because even if you happen to be right, and every once in a while you will be, when you shut them down or trample their views or win the battle, you’ve so often lost the war. All you’ve done is added to the turbulence of your own heart. All you’ve done is to sacrifice your peace. All you’ve done is moved further into your self-protection and lost sight of the true gift of relationally connecting with another that might help you see the world just a little more clearly.